Accidents Happen
by dryskim
Summary: While rebuilding Shepard, a small mistake is made. Possibly a series if people are intrested.
1. Accidents Happen

"Miranda, we may have a problem."

"What is it now, Wilson?" snapped the Cerberus Operative, Miranda Lawson. The Illusive Man was being to try and pry information out of her about the progress of Project Lazarus wasn't helping her keep in a good mood. They were rushing to meet their deadline and they were getting careless, a simple mistake this late in the Project could be disastrous.

"It's Shepard." replied Wilson, looking over his computer terminal, "Some thing's wrong."

"What do you mean something is wrong?" again snapped Miranda, Wilson knew she could be a bit of a spoiled bitch but all this yelling was starting to rub him the wrong way.

"Something doesn't sink up. I'm not sure what." replied Wilson, trying to find what may be the culprit for the odd readings he was getting.

"Is this going to be an obvious mistake?" asked Miranda, trying to think positively.

"I don't know. It could be anything." said Wilson, "Could be colorblindness. Could be an extra toe. I won't know for sure until the process is complete."

"If I lose my job over this it will be your head, Wilson." growled Miranda before stalking out of the room.

"Bitch." muttered Wilson, looking over his schematics for the thousandth time.

This was it. Time to find out if Project Lazarus was a success. If not, well…let's just say their wouldn't be any second chances. As Wilson removed the commander from the medical equipment he instantly realized the glitch in the software. This wasn't going to be a simple mistake to cover up. Hopefully, Miranda wouldn't arrive until he had sufficient time to get himself out of the range of her sidearm.

"Wilson? Is the commander ready yet?" asked Miranda, strolling into the Med Bay.

No dice.

"Uh…" started Wilson, covering the commander with a blanket.

"What is it Wilson? Is the Project a success or not?" snapped Miranda, taking her own peak under the blanket, "Oh my god… How are we supposed to cover THIS up!"

Alarms. Screaming people. Sporadic gunfire. Yep, it was a usual day at the office for Commander John Shepard, the first Human Spectre and hero of the Citadel. He opened his eyes to the burning light of fluorescent lights, yep, it was a Med Bay. That meant he was alive? But he'd been thrown into deep space with a ruptured suit. A strange voice telling him to grab a weapon and armor from the locker on the other side of the room? Yep, he was officially on the clock again. Back to work. He slide himself over the side of the table and jogged over to the locker, the doors swung open to reveal a handgun and his suit. He quickly peeled off his T-Shirt and realized that a few pieces of his anatomy were a bit different.

He had boobs.

A quick peak down his trousers revealed that he had another piece of anatomy that wasn't his. It was official, he was a woman.

"What the fuc-"


	2. A Meeting with the Illusive

Jacob tried to hide a sly grin, Miranda giving him another elbow to the ribs. Her normally pristine face was marred with a swollen nose and a black eye from when the Commander was introduced to her for the first time. Needless to say, the Commander was less then happy to see her, and had let his fist do most of the talking.

"Miranda, will Shepard be able to continue on mission. Despite this...turn of events?" asked the Illusive Man, cradling a cigarrete between his fingers, his crystal blue eyes almost staring _through_ his subordinates.

"Yes," muttered Miranda, "If anything, this change has actually made him _more_ dangerous."

"Good, send him up. I wish to speak with him personally," replied the Illusive Man, his ever present monotone almost making Jacob yawn before he stopped himself. He wasn't quite sure why he'd even been called up for this meeting, it was Miranda's mistake, not his that led to this whole situation, "You are dismissed." And with that the Illusive Man waved the pair off with a bat of his hand.

"Think he's pissed?" jokingly asked Jacob, it was nice to see Miranda finally lose the stuck-up attitude and get a dressing down from her boss, even if it was abit a short one.

She glared daggers back at him, before leaving him to walk the hallway at his own place. Not that he was angery about the view... "Stop staring at my ass and hurry up," she growled, causing him to quicken his pace.

"Don't worry, he wouldn't leave you in the doghouse for long. You're his favorite lapdog, who else would he get? Chambers?" joked Jacob, he was pushing it and he knew it but he also knew her, and how far he could go before she snapped.

"Kelly Chambers is nowhere near qualified to do the work I do," grunted Miranda, tapping in the security code on the keypad, the door sliding open out of the way automatically.

"I'm sure she knows her genders though."

Another scowl, a small flare of biotic energy and Jacob decided to remain silent for the rest of the trip.

Commander Shepard tapped his foot, was it out of anger? Boredom? He'd never really know, all he did know was that he was tapping his foot, and the Illusive Man was nowhere in sight or on time for this meeting.

Finally, the man materialized in front of Shepard, "Shepard, I assume you'd like to have a word with me."

"You've assumed correctly," replied Shepard, brushing a strand of hair out of his face. Promptly, the hair fell back in front of his eye this time him blowing the hair out of his way, 'This is exactly why I shaved my head when I joined up,' he thought to himself.

"I appologize for your current predicament, Shepard. If their is anything I can do-" started the Illusive Man before being cut off by Shepard.

"You can start by getting my body back, my male body back." he growled, which came off as slightly less threatening then he originally planned, he'd have to spend another four hours perfecting his imitating face for his new body.

"As you wish, Shepard. However, Cerberus spent a fortune piecing you back together, and we can't even be certain we'd be successful."

"I've got time, you want me to investigate missing colonies? I'll investigate colonies, you investigate getting how to make a man. You were pretty successful in replicating a woman, this time you can try to get the _correct_ gender."

"As you wish, Shepard. We'll do what we can here, you find out what you can about those missing colonies," The Illusive Man said, signing off, leaving Shepard in a pitch black room.

"Sure has been a long time, eh Commander?" asked a witty voice from Shepard's past.

'Dear god, what's he doing here?' he internally asked himself, not knowing how exactly to explain what was happening.

Joker.

**Damn, it's been four whole months since I've touched this story. I apologize for this overall lack of interest from me but I just couldn't think of a proper way to work on this until now.(And because Mass Effect 3 is coming soon and I'm super excited to say the least. Which reignited the Mass Effect loving part of my brain, hence another short update.) Once more I apologize and applaud your patience given the massive span between updates.**


	3. The Joker meets the ManWoman

"Joker, you listening to me?"

"Wha-?" asked Joker, Shepard dragging him back into the present with his/her question.

"Exactly," Shepard replied, "You were oogling me."

"No I wasn't," Joker shot back, taking another quick peek just for good luck.

Shepard laughed, "Do you even know what we were talking about or were you too busy staring at my boobs to listen?"

"Something about how you, something - boobs. Alright, I got nothing."

Shepard laughed again, "And here I thought I was the womanizer back in the day!"

"You were," Joker replied grimly, "Doesn't mean I didn't look.."

"Alright, enough about me. It's been two years, Joker, did I miss anything important other then your joining Cerberus?" Shepard asked jokingly, delievering a soft punch to the large emblem that adorned Joker's tee-shirt.

"No, nothing major's really happened for everyone's favorite cripple," Joker said, taking a swig from his drink.

"What about you and the Yeoman, you had your eyes on her almost as much as you had 'em on me."

"What, Kelly? Their's absolutely nothing going on there, at all. None, nothing, nadda," Joker replied.

"You seem oddly defensive about this..."

"I'm not defensive okay! Just get off my back about it!" Joker snapped, downing his drink in one gulp before slamming it down on the table.

"Alright, alright. Don't worry about it, sorry I even asked," Checking his/her watch, Shepard added, "Hurph, looks like it's time to head back to the ship. Mordin Solus isn't going to recruit himself."

"Are you sure the ship needs one more nutjob onboard? I mean we've already got Miranda, and I know how you feel about taking her on missions. Especially after the 'incident'." Joker asked, hobbling along after the Commander, working doubly hard to keep up with her longer strides.

"That's exactly the reason I'm recruiting him, I always take a team of two. Plus, the Illusive Man ensures me that we absolutely need this Salarian scientist or the whole thing goes out the window." Shepard replied, "That and this Archangel fellow can probably hold his own for one more day without my assistance."

"If you say so," Joker replied.

They continued silently until the Commander spoke again, "Joker?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Did you just grab my ass?"

"And what would happen if I was to say yes?"

**Another quick update, just because I'm a greedy bastard who loves it when people review my work. (And because this version of Chapter Three is superior to the original one I wrote.) Either way, hope you liked it and all that jazz.**

**Meirelle - The reason he got cloned was because...well, I must have missed that dialogue somewhere along the line or because like you said, the rule of funny beat out the rule of what is canon and what is not. Thanks for the review though!**

**Everyone else that reviewed - A big thank you to you! I appreciate each and every one of them, (It's almost like an addiction) plus it usually improves my productivity as well.**


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